One day in March of this year, I got a text from one of my friends asking if I wanted to go see a movie with her, a movie called Project Hail Mary. I remembered seeing the trailer for it while I was waiting to see superman earlier in 2025, and so I, of course, agreed to go see it with her. I had no concept of what the movie would be about, other than Ryan Gosling would be in space for some reason, so I settled into my seat with over-priced popcorn in my hand waiting for the unknown. The movie started and I watched in awe as the story unfolded, a story full of mystery and unawareness of one's own life and story. While I've never been sent to space and woken up with no memory of who I am, I have felt similar feelings as I've grown up. Going into my senior year of high school this year has forced me to look back on who I was, look at who I am, and think about who I want to be. If you've seen Project Hail Mary, I'm sure you're familiar with the scene of Grace writing the little memories he does remember on a whiteboard. Within the last year or so, I've had my own whiteboard forming, a whiteboard full of facts about me that even I don't quite understand, but I know are important. A whiteboard full of dreams that I have for my future, and the unknown that comes along with them.
I've always struggled with the concept of the unknown. The concept that I don't have everything figured out. From a young age I remember being so strict with schedules and plans. I wasn't strict about it just so I could have structure, but because the structure gave me a feeling of knowing. This has translated into my young adult life in many ways. A specific instance I remember isn't really a fond one to look back on, but it is an important one that made me who I am today. I remember being 13 in a doctor's office being faced with the worst news you could hear, "You have cancer." Dear God was that a horrible circumstance of the unknown. No one could tell me where it came from or how long I had been dealing with it, all they could tell me was what treatment plans would look like. My whole life flipped on its head after this. I went from an active, social girl to a sluggish, and honestly, very depressed shell of who I was. It obviously wasn't a good time in my life by any means, but I can say that something good came out of it, I finally felt like I was able to release me need for ultimate control in my life.
Now this doesn't mean that I have no goals or standards for myself (I obviously do) but it does mean that I don't need every answer to feel happy. I don't need to feel an overwhelming sense of doom when something changes. I learned through something so horrible that control isn't always the answer. In this way, I found myself relating heavily to Ryland Grace. his persistent need to know all things that led him to space caused him to stumble upon the ultimate gift from that whole experience; he found Rocky. While Ryland Grace's form of peace came from a sentient, rock alien, mine came from releasing the need of control that I had on all aspects of my life, and just like Grace, caused me to turn back around and find out what truly makes me happy. To sum everything up, Ryland Grace and I are twins, and I'm still finding the balance of striving to have control and feeling comfortable with what I am experiencing. thats really it.
Xoxo,
Rolly <3
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